Thursday, June 7, 2012

Burn It All Down

Holy crap...

You know the longer I'm alive, the less I'm convinced I know. Seriously you guys, I don't know anything about anything.

Have you ever been so sure about something, about the way you feel or what you want that it seems like fact and nothing could ever change it. You can go for months, even years this way. And then one day... poof! It changes. You see things in a different light, you taste something you used to love but don't anymore or you tie your left shoe up first instead of your right and it changes everything.

Or it can be slow, one day you wake up and you're just a little bit uncertain. And then it grows inside you and you can't shake this feeling that something just isn't right.

Well, I am questioning everything right now. I guess it's a good thing, but its unnerving to say the least. I'm even questioning if I want to be a poet. I haven't written anything (other than this blog) in months, I have no energy or motivation and I haven't even attempted it. I'm completely apathetic towards the only thing that has been a constant my entire life. I always wrote poetry and journalled. Its my thing ya'll. So this leads me to the big question that plagues most of us... what in the hell do I do with my life?

I'm not going to get all crazy on you. This question has the power to induce panic attacks. I'm just talking even the most basic of things. Let's say... relationships. For so long I've been saying how much I want a relationship, how I just want a partner to share my life with (and eventually have babies- yes I said it, I'm that girl). And now I'm not so sure. I mean, maybe I just can't handle it at this point in my life. Maybe I have too many unresolved issues and I haven't yet learned how to compromise well enough. But one of my most recent revelations has been a shocking one.

I am an introvert. I never knew. I always thought I was an incredibly social person who needed and loved to be around tons of people all the time. But in the last few years I've turned more and more inward. I need alone time to recharge and a whole lot of it. Otherwise I start getting all cranky and uncomfortable, I can't sort through my thoughts or check in with what I'm thinking. My brain gets scrambled and I don't like sharing my space very much. This can turn into resentment verrrrry quickly. And I'm starting to think it may make any kind of long term involvment impossible.

So yeah. remember that happy relationship train I was on when spring had just arrived and everyone was giddy about not wearing snow suits? I jumped off of it, and I'm sad. I just wasn't sure anymore. I promised myself a long time ago that I would spare both myself and future partners prolonged pain and not continue a relationship if I had any doubts. So, I ended it and I feel like I've lost a really amazing friend in the process. We may be able to be friends at some point, but right now there's a giant empty space in my life.

I know we're all just figuring this is 'life' thing out. I guess sometimes you gotta burn it all down to find what's right for you. I'm just wondering how many more times I'm going to light the match, and what I'm going to find when the smoke clears.

Here's a poem from Buddy Wakefield called In Landscape. It always seems like he has the words when I don't.